Assertive Communication

Assertive Communication

Here are some tips on how to communicate more assertively with others:

Think and talk about yourself POSITIVELY.

• Eliminate adding qualifying statements to your opinions or requests (e.g., “you’ll probably think this is crazy, but…”, “…I guess”, “but that’s just my opinion”).

• Reduce tag questions (e.g., “does that make sense?”, “is that okay?”)

Consciously take responsibility for yourself and avoid taking responsibility for others.

• Eliminate “should”, “ought to”, and “have to”.
• Practice using the phrase “I choose to”.

Giving and getting information

• Recognize yes/no questions. When you are asked a yes/no question respond with a yes/no answer. You do not need to elaborate upon or justify any response you give.
• Recognize information questions. Give as much information as you feel comfortable in response to the question but don’t feel you have to justify your answer.

“I” statements

• Avoid using “you” statements that distance you from your feelings. Instead, use statements that begin with “I feel ______”.
• Avoid using “you” statements that accuse. Many people interpret statements that begin with “you” as blaming and often become defensive in response.

Giving and receiving constructive criticism

• Talk about the behavior, not about the person. Be as specific as possible.
• Couple the criticism with a compliment.
• Learn to discriminate between something that is your problem from something that is their problem. 

Feeling talk

• Specify feelings (e.g., I see, I hear).
• Practice “I feel…” statements rather than using “I think…” statements.
• Recognize that no one can tell you how to feel. There are no right or wrong feelings, feelings just are.

Statements without explanations

• You have a right to your opinions and decisions.
• A simple “no” is enough, without excuses.

Persistence

• Use the broken record technique: repetition of a simple statement of fact (e.g., “I am not available at 2:00, our original time is better for me”).
• Use fogging: reflect what the other person has said and then say “but” before you say your statement. When you use fogging, you show that you are listening to the other person.